My Little World of Secrets

;Blessings

2018 started out as a year full of surprises for me; not only that I’ve found my biological mother & my sister, I’ve also made it to the Program I’ve been waiting for all my life. Every step, little by little, it’s happening. It’s here!

I’ve surpass all the trials, hardships, and difficult times where I always thought, ” I cannot do this, I’m a Failure.” But, looking back to where I am right now and from who I was before; I did it! However; my journey doesn’t end here because it has only begun. There are many more, trials I still have to face and I know that I can surpass each and one of them. Despite; being covered with scars from battles, Life has not only pushed me to aim higher but stronger.

I remember that last 2017, I made a wish for a miracle to happen to me in 2018 and funny enough to think; these miracles had been coming true like a chain link and with these droplets form, Blessings.

Thank You 🙏🏻! For guiding me, For allowing me to believe in You again ❤️!

Xoxo,

– Nina ❤️

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;You Changed or Did I?

I feel like I’m standing on the centre of a bridge, trying to figure out which side to cross… Do I take a left or right? Because from what I know now; I’m always left behind.

When I was in the dark, you stood with me throughout all the storms in life and this person made me feel like everything could be okay… For once, I wasn’t afraid to take risks in life. This person made me hold on to courage, strength and hope that somewhere in this cruel world; there’s one person in this world who understands you and they exist.

Sometime’s we can’t always keep the people we meet forever, sometimes they drift away and you ask yourself the questions you may never find the answers to; ” will I ever see them again? ” or ” will we ever talk again?”. Then in the end, you’re left feeling empty, alone and scared again.

We’re back to being strangers again, back to small talks and I feel like a wall that will crumble and fall. I constantly, space out as episodes of our memories replay on my mind; certain memories that hold the craziest moments in life. A time of laughter, tears and endless inspiration from the people you meet.

In a world full of strangers; there is hope, happiness and there are miracles that exist; the only way to feel its existence is to believe. Miracles happen for a reason, yet it goes by so fast, we don’t even notice it; like a blink of an eye. We notice them a little too late when everything all fades away or perhaps; its gone.

The city of Vancouver, is a city of miracles. It’s out there. I know it is. A city full of nostalgic cold winter nights and warm coffee from Tim’s or Starbucks, but most of all; a city of busy streets and friendly faces that somewhere out there you feel safe. In this city, I found peace. I found hope. I found home. Then, I felt empty & alone.

……… -sigh-

We…Don’t….Talk….Anymore…. What happened to us? We just vanished in thin air and drifted; like two boats heading towards different directions against the currents of a river. You…just…changed Or was it me?

Just like that, you disappeared and all I have is time, once again. Patience, to which I question myself; ” How long do I wait? ” OR ” Is this just it? The last of it? “. If so, This is my last goodbye. Farewell, my friend.

; Worse Job Ever

There are moments in our lives where we wish to have the job we always dreamt about or perhaps just wanting to achieve an ambition or a goal. Now, you’re probably thinking, “My career, or my part-time job sucks, or maybe the job your applying to is something that wasn’t meant to be…etc. ”

Here’s one thing I learned in life; when you get up in the morning to rush for work, embrace every minute and second of it & make the most of it. Don’t complain! Instead, run to the sunrise or soaking mist of rain outside and inhale that fresh air because to tell you the truth; not everyone can live life the way you do. Not many of us are able to wake up early in the morning to feel blessed for what we have.

We have passed by strangers, friendly faces, or known 1out 7 billion people in this world; all have different personalities and qualities, but that’s what makes us unique. However; not many of us are blessed like others because some people aren’t lucky enough to be able to get a job, or may be the job isn’t as easy as they thought. Yet, each person in this world who works hard for that job and there’s not a single person that I know, doesn’t get paid for the long hours of hard work. Despite, all of the long 8 to 14 hrs of shift; you still complain.

The job you have right now or the job you might get in this world is definitely NOT THE WORSE JOB EVER. You’re probably thinking that I’m confusing you because many of you will choose to believe that your job is the worse. However; you haven’t placed yourself in everyone on this world to compare your life with them. Because I’ll be honest… you won’t believe what I’m going to say next 👌🏻

Have you figured it out yet? Well, the most challenging and horrifying job in the world is being a student. Why? Because we grow up with it; we learn almost all of our lives, achieve dreams that may fail or succeed. Yet, despite stress from all the hard-work of late night studies; we never complained on how much we were making, or for how long the hours were holding us back.

Being a student teaches us responsibility, life lessons & determination without having to ask to be paid in return. Life, is a gift and we all need to appreciate where the grass is greener and where the seeds are planted to bloom into a tree someday.

” The worse job of all is probably being a student because you get up, work hard in class, then again get home to repeat what you did for the next 5 days and 5 to 10 years of your life… Yet, you don’t get paid and that sucks! ”

– Wayne Ko , Math Teacher

; Walk Down Memory Lane

Have you ever been so lost in life that the only feeling you remember is pain? The feeling where you can no longer breathe and you can only wake up to find yourself screaming from nightmares that nobody can hear. The feeling so painful that your body shuts down and you become numb and when you actually want to sleep, you cry yourself to sleep because its easier that way.

Grief. Loss. Pain. I was in a 5 month stage process to pick myself back up and find the mixing puzzle pieces in my life. At first, I thought to myself that it will get better, I will walk out of it and live life normally. I was wrong. Losing someone special or close to you was a lot tougher than I thought. The pain that I felt was stronger than any pain you could ever think of… A pain where you feel like you’re dying on the inside but no one notices. The most painful part of grief however; is knowing that you feel guilty that you couldn’t do anything to save their lives.

5 whole months felt like a century for me or perhaps a past that was repeated over and over — like I was trapped in a world where I kept relieving yesterday. People would always tell me to move one, let go, and bury the past… I can’t! At least, not right now… Because, I’m not ready to let go and move on. Therefore; this is where I pay my price against the law of nature; Grief and Pain.

Sometimes, I wonder if Heaven has a better plan for me or is this just it? A dead end.

;Statue

” Life is like a brick of stones, one by one we stack them up with all our emotions, only to see the day when someone breaks these walls for us ” 

I am like a statue, I stand still infront of my problems, and just like a stone… I’m made of paralyzed decisions that left me questioning myself, “ What am I still doing?” Or “ How do I get myself out of this situation? ” Because the truth is, I don’t know anymore… Why am I always the one who ends up being stuck, trying to figure out what went wrong? 

Then reality sets in; I’m back to square one. I am that statue who cries in pain, sacrifices for the sake of others happiness, and cares to love so much and someone who goes beyond ways to be madly, deeply in love with someone. Unfortunately, the rules don’t apply for me… I guess, the damn Universe just wants to drag me to hell. 

It’s 2 AM; my thoughts are unraveling. Perhaps, im fated to be at the center core of the Earth, waiting to explode. I just don’t FEEL anything anymore… I’m just DEAD or at least that’s how I feel. I’m someone who gave up on hope, faith, and believing in miracles. 
A statue I am; holds a barrier of humanity inside me, where all that little humanity left of me from the past and till this day… It’s all gone. I forgot how to care, to love, to respect myself, and most of all… I forgot what it felt like to hold on to the one thing that was keeping me alive. 

Sometimes I wonder to myself, “ Why does the universe hate me so much? “ OR “ Why does it want to fuck with my life? “ I had it right there… A dream. A Life. A perfect World. Then for some reason; the universe just exploded everything while I was in it. 

Honestly, I’m just lost and scared like there’s no in or out in life anymore. I don’t get to choose what’s right or wrong anymore because I’m stuck in a maze with no direction. I know I made fucked up decisions in life and I’m sorry…I really am… I wish I could reverse time and made it all okay again. Unfortunately; I can’t because I’m a statue and I’m stuck just waiting for someone to break me free from these concrete stones. 

;Dear Future-Self #104

” When your skies are grey and you feel like your walls are falling down… Remember, that I will love you to the moon and back “

Dear Me; 

HOPE exists. With hope, there are millions of reasons to ‘ why ‘and ‘ why not ‘ half the things in your life aren’t going as planned. Don’t give up just yet ok? Keep pushing yourself to a point until you have nothing left to push anymore… Because, I know and I believe that it gets better in time. 

TIME is never easy to chase, nor is it ever easy to pause and rewind or stop… We can’t simply push the forward button either. All I can say is; time will never be on anyone’s side unless we have the patience to find ourselves in this world. All we have is a life full of surprises and waiting games of choices and decisions to make us better or the worse in us. 

” Happiness isn’t bought, claimed and given… It’s earned in the simplest ways anyone could ever restore from us… It’s a chance of allowing someone to change their lives without anything in return. “

FAITH and TRUST is one of the most important roles in life; without it, you just feel misleaded, lost and empty… A life with no direction within yourself is like someone who’s trapped waiting to be saved in a place that she’ll never be found. Hold on to that, because somewhere and someday, you’ll find yourself out of this mess… You’re not alone. 

” The greatest gift life can offer you for yourself is learing to be brave and fearless from your own monsterous shadows…” 

Having the COURAGE to survive your own monsters inside is the greatest achievement you hold to life. The feeling where, you can finally tell yourself that you’re not afraid anymore. To finally be able to trust yourself and believe that you are someone fearless because no one else can defeat your own monsters except yourself.

Xx– Nina ❤️

;Stuck Between two Bridges

People say that, “ It’s okay to be afraid.” And that “ It’s more than okay to feel scared of your overwhelming shadows inside…” 

Truth is, I am afraid and It still hurts because the pain that I’ve kept for years has grown to burn inside me. The pain that I wish had died for so long; remains to haunt me. 

But, Do you know what the saddest part is? The saddest and most painful part of all this, is that… I don’t even know what I’m fighting for anymore… I don’t know what I’m holding on to and what I’m running from… Because ALL I know is that it’s FEAR. 

Fear is life’s greatest weakness, it eats your minds away from reality to a point where, you feel lost and empty inside… perhaps alone even. Therefore; my greatest fear is moving on and leaving the past behind, and facing reality. 

When you’re committed to someone, you wont allow yourself to look for perfection to someone else. You can’t allow the people you love to determine how you love… – Before We Go

I’m stuck between two bridges that leads me to a road of no destination, confused about which path in life to take; where do I go in all of this? Where do I begin? Why am I always that person who ends up drowning herself in guilt between two choices? 

I made promises only to see myself breaking them each time, I’ve kept people happy and tried to save the lives of the one’s I cared about. Then again, I find myself looking for perfection of something I know I’m not good enough at… I look for compliments, dependent on others who always gives advices rather than trusting my own. Therefore; I’m back at square 1 where I’m allowing myself to let others decide for me. 

I’m caught in the middle of the bridge, where both ends, play tug-o-war with me and its a tie between my soul, mind and heart. I’d ask God for help, but I lost my Faith and Hope in miracles… I lost and forgot what it once felt to believe… because the feeling of being on this bridge; feels like im burning in my own hell. 

I scream, I ask for help, and I even reach out for others to hear me or understand me, but no one seems to hear me… I feel lost and scared and alone again. As, I stand on this bridge; I believe there’s a little bit of humanity, hope, and faith left in me and I believe that someday, I will find it in me to believe in Him again. I will find my own wings to fly and soar from broken wings. 


Xx– Niina ❤️