My life story was never easy, to begin with.
I was always told that nothing in life comes easy as 1,2,3… because most of the time, we’re busy searching for other things we want in life.
There are too many opportunities or careers to try on, but sometimes not many of us get the career we want.
Life doesn’t always come in a buffet meal and serve you at your table. Its meant to work hard for, persevere, determination and consistency. I learned that when fear comes along, you won’t succeed in life if you put fear in front of you. We must learn to have the confidence to believe in ourselves even if sometimes it gets difficult to try.
There are mountains we have to push and pull ourselves and in this journey, no one is really there for us anymore but ourselves. People say, ” You’re not alone” but reality says you are. We feel as if the void of existence in our hearts are opening a black hole and slowly I’m being sucked into it.
I think the worse part of my depression was failing the one dream I wanted to pursue. I know that it may seem like I haven’t failed just yet, but inside my heart; it’s telling me I have. I never realized that to this point, I would feel so empty and shattered because of that one thing that you’ve worked hard for and watch it go downhill. I never understood where I went wrong, or to why I still “failed”, and to why I ended up in this situation when I’ve tried EVERYTHING I could to save myself from falling.
I remember that day perfectly; April 23, 2018, I trembled in fear as I walked into her office and I saw a grim look on her face as she said, “ What do you plan to do? “ She looked at me as I sat slowly on the black leather chair. At first, I was confused by what she meant and before I could speak, she cut me off by saying “ What do you want out of this? and Why are you doing this? ” But, before I could even respond to another sentence or another word, I was just speechless when she said, ” I’m sorry but there’s honestly nothing I can do but you failed. ” I don’t know what hurt the most because she repeatedly said the word, ” FAILED” about 5 times. My mind spiraled into oblivion and my heart exploded into a void of a black hole. Then I thought to myself, ” This is the end of the world, Oh My God! ” Then as she kept going, I felt my heart being hammered, stabbed, poked, and destroyed. ” I just don’t think you’re ready to be a Nurse or I just don’t think you’re prepared. So, I suggest you go take a break and figure out what you want. ”
At that moment, I had a long pause at myself, the world, and everything around me. I felt like I sank to the bottommost pit of the ocean and I’ve finally drowned. My thoughts, my emotions, and pain just mixed into one pile of chaos.
Why does one little mistake end up as ONE GREATEST mistake you could ever get? I don’t understand why I had to suffer like this? Like, what did I do wrong? I studied. I did what I was told. I did everything right… only to have it wrong down the road.
WHAT DO I WANT? and WHY AM I DOING THIS?
Well, let me answer that for you… Why am I doing this and what for?
I’m doing this because I believe that I could see the good in bad in people, I wanted to do this for my family, for my 2 best friends that I made a promise upon on her deathbed and for the people who looked up to me. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this because I want to make a better version of me. Someone, mature enough to know what’s right and wrong. Someone who can take full responsibility for herself. Someone who can make her parents proud. I wanted to be someone who could prove herself that she’s worth it. I wanted to prove myself to my parents, I wanted to achieve something in life that would allow me to feel good about myself and to get pass Semester 1 was a way for me to forgive myself from everything that was holding me back from the past. It was also, a way for me to finally realize that maybe if I passed… I could have had the happiness that I deserve right now.
Goodluck Semester 2