My Little World of Secrets

; Worse Job Ever

There are moments in our lives where we wish to have the job we always dreamt about or perhaps just wanting to achieve an ambition or a goal. Now, you’re probably thinking, “My career, or my part-time job sucks, or maybe the job your applying to is something that wasn’t meant to be…etc. ”

Here’s one thing I learned in life; when you get up in the morning to rush for work, embrace every minute and second of it & make the most of it. Don’t complain! Instead, run to the sunrise or soaking mist of rain outside and inhale that fresh air because to tell you the truth; not everyone can live life the way you do. Not many of us are able to wake up early in the morning to feel blessed for what we have.

We have passed by strangers, friendly faces, or known 1out 7 billion people in this world; all have different personalities and qualities, but that’s what makes us unique. However; not many of us are blessed like others because some people aren’t lucky enough to be able to get a job, or may be the job isn’t as easy as they thought. Yet, each person in this world who works hard for that job and there’s not a single person that I know, doesn’t get paid for the long hours of hard work. Despite, all of the long 8 to 14 hrs of shift; you still complain.

The job you have right now or the job you might get in this world is definitely NOT THE WORSE JOB EVER. You’re probably thinking that I’m confusing you because many of you will choose to believe that your job is the worse. However; you haven’t placed yourself in everyone on this world to compare your life with them. Because I’ll be honest… you won’t believe what I’m going to say next 👌🏻

Have you figured it out yet? Well, the most challenging and horrifying job in the world is being a student. Why? Because we grow up with it; we learn almost all of our lives, achieve dreams that may fail or succeed. Yet, despite stress from all the hard-work of late night studies; we never complained on how much we were making, or for how long the hours were holding us back.

Being a student teaches us responsibility, life lessons & determination without having to ask to be paid in return. Life, is a gift and we all need to appreciate where the grass is greener and where the seeds are planted to bloom into a tree someday.

” The worse job of all is probably being a student because you get up, work hard in class, then again get home to repeat what you did for the next 5 days and 5 to 10 years of your life… Yet, you don’t get paid and that sucks! ”

– Wayne Ko , Math Teacher


; Walk Down Memory Lane

Have you ever been so lost in life that the only feeling you remember is pain? The feeling where you can no longer breathe and you can only wake up to find yourself screaming from nightmares that nobody can hear. The feeling so painful that your body shuts down and you become numb and when you actually want to sleep, you cry yourself to sleep because its easier that way.

Grief. Loss. Pain. I was in a 5 month stage process to pick myself back up and find the mixing puzzle pieces in my life. At first, I thought to myself that it will get better, I will walk out of it and live life normally. I was wrong. Losing someone special or close to you was a lot tougher than I thought. The pain that I felt was stronger than any pain you could ever think of… A pain where you feel like you’re dying on the inside but no one notices. The most painful part of grief however; is knowing that you feel guilty that you couldn’t do anything to save their lives.

5 whole months felt like a century for me or perhaps a past that was repeated over and over — like I was trapped in a world where I kept relieving yesterday. People would always tell me to move one, let go, and bury the past… I can’t! At least, not right now… Because, I’m not ready to let go and move on. Therefore; this is where I pay my price against the law of nature; Grief and Pain.

Sometimes, I wonder if Heaven has a better plan for me or is this just it? A dead end.


” Life is like a brick of stones, one by one we stack them up with all our emotions, only to see the day when someone breaks these walls for us ” 

I am like a statue, I stand still infront of my problems, and just like a stone… I’m made of paralyzed decisions that left me questioning myself, “ What am I still doing?” Or “ How do I get myself out of this situation? ” Because the truth is, I don’t know anymore… Why am I always the one who ends up being stuck, trying to figure out what went wrong? 

Then reality sets in; I’m back to square one. I am that statue who cries in pain, sacrifices for the sake of others happiness, and cares to love so much and someone who goes beyond ways to be madly, deeply in love with someone. Unfortunately, the rules don’t apply for me… I guess, the damn Universe just wants to drag me to hell. 

It’s 2 AM; my thoughts are unraveling. Perhaps, im fated to be at the center core of the Earth, waiting to explode. I just don’t FEEL anything anymore… I’m just DEAD or at least that’s how I feel. I’m someone who gave up on hope, faith, and believing in miracles. 
A statue I am; holds a barrier of humanity inside me, where all that little humanity left of me from the past and till this day… It’s all gone. I forgot how to care, to love, to respect myself, and most of all… I forgot what it felt like to hold on to the one thing that was keeping me alive. 

Sometimes I wonder to myself, “ Why does the universe hate me so much? “ OR “ Why does it want to fuck with my life? “ I had it right there… A dream. A Life. A perfect World. Then for some reason; the universe just exploded everything while I was in it. 

Honestly, I’m just lost and scared like there’s no in or out in life anymore. I don’t get to choose what’s right or wrong anymore because I’m stuck in a maze with no direction. I know I made fucked up decisions in life and I’m sorry…I really am… I wish I could reverse time and made it all okay again. Unfortunately; I can’t because I’m a statue and I’m stuck just waiting for someone to break me free from these concrete stones. 

;Dear Future-Self #104

” When your skies are grey and you feel like your walls are falling down… Remember, that I will love you to the moon and back “

Dear Me; 

HOPE exists. With hope, there are millions of reasons to ‘ why ‘and ‘ why not ‘ half the things in your life aren’t going as planned. Don’t give up just yet ok? Keep pushing yourself to a point until you have nothing left to push anymore… Because, I know and I believe that it gets better in time. 

TIME is never easy to chase, nor is it ever easy to pause and rewind or stop… We can’t simply push the forward button either. All I can say is; time will never be on anyone’s side unless we have the patience to find ourselves in this world. All we have is a life full of surprises and waiting games of choices and decisions to make us better or the worse in us. 

” Happiness isn’t bought, claimed and given… It’s earned in the simplest ways anyone could ever restore from us… It’s a chance of allowing someone to change their lives without anything in return. “

FAITH and TRUST is one of the most important roles in life; without it, you just feel misleaded, lost and empty… A life with no direction within yourself is like someone who’s trapped waiting to be saved in a place that she’ll never be found. Hold on to that, because somewhere and someday, you’ll find yourself out of this mess… You’re not alone. 

” The greatest gift life can offer you for yourself is learing to be brave and fearless from your own monsterous shadows…” 

Having the COURAGE to survive your own monsters inside is the greatest achievement you hold to life. The feeling where, you can finally tell yourself that you’re not afraid anymore. To finally be able to trust yourself and believe that you are someone fearless because no one else can defeat your own monsters except yourself.

Xx– Nina ❤️

;Stuck Between two Bridges

People say that, “ It’s okay to be afraid.” And that “ It’s more than okay to feel scared of your overwhelming shadows inside…” 

Truth is, I am afraid and It still hurts because the pain that I’ve kept for years has grown to burn inside me. The pain that I wish had died for so long; remains to haunt me. 

But, Do you know what the saddest part is? The saddest and most painful part of all this, is that… I don’t even know what I’m fighting for anymore… I don’t know what I’m holding on to and what I’m running from… Because ALL I know is that it’s FEAR. 

Fear is life’s greatest weakness, it eats your minds away from reality to a point where, you feel lost and empty inside… perhaps alone even. Therefore; my greatest fear is moving on and leaving the past behind, and facing reality. 

When you’re committed to someone, you wont allow yourself to look for perfection to someone else. You can’t allow the people you love to determine how you love… – Before We Go

I’m stuck between two bridges that leads me to a road of no destination, confused about which path in life to take; where do I go in all of this? Where do I begin? Why am I always that person who ends up drowning herself in guilt between two choices? 

I made promises only to see myself breaking them each time, I’ve kept people happy and tried to save the lives of the one’s I cared about. Then again, I find myself looking for perfection of something I know I’m not good enough at… I look for compliments, dependent on others who always gives advices rather than trusting my own. Therefore; I’m back at square 1 where I’m allowing myself to let others decide for me. 

I’m caught in the middle of the bridge, where both ends, play tug-o-war with me and its a tie between my soul, mind and heart. I’d ask God for help, but I lost my Faith and Hope in miracles… I lost and forgot what it once felt to believe… because the feeling of being on this bridge; feels like im burning in my own hell. 

I scream, I ask for help, and I even reach out for others to hear me or understand me, but no one seems to hear me… I feel lost and scared and alone again. As, I stand on this bridge; I believe there’s a little bit of humanity, hope, and faith left in me and I believe that someday, I will find it in me to believe in Him again. I will find my own wings to fly and soar from broken wings. 

Xx– Niina ❤️

;Against The Currents

We all have storms at sea, sometimes we crash through the strongest waves that pulls and pushes us against currents… It’s on us to choose whether we want it to strengthen or weaken us

My life is like the currents of the sea, just moving back and forth with no direction at shore. In this life; its hard, it gets scary sometimes and often times it gets lonely. The feeling where its completely uncontrollable because it eats you inside and makes you feel like your heart shatters inside… Sometimes, the pain is just too unbearable to a point it makes us shut ourselves down from the world we live in. 

Life gets harder, but it doesnt always mean its the END because I promise you, it will get better… These storms and waves in our lives will come and go as it pushes us against the strongest currents… It’s just on us to decide whether we want to keep pushing ourselves to fight our way through these storms.

I’m someone lost between the shore and the sea. Someone who seems like she has no direction in life anymore she continues to be fearless, despite the pain she’s going through in this life. I am just looking for a lighthouse to call home. 

I have monsters inside me, I’m afraid and I cannot sit here and pretend that I’m not because the truth is; I’ve always been afraid of the darkness inside me. Im scared of being alone, being left behind & most of all; I fear death because we never know what the afterlife brings… Just an eternity of peace. 

It’s hard to move on, pretend you’re okay, and live life when there’s a missing piece in your heart… A missing piece to what made you whole back then. When the waves finally wash you at shore, you’ll find yourself looking back to memories that may have seemed to wash away forever but it’s only the beginning of New Ones. 

Therefore; anyone who’s reading this, don’t be afraid to allow yourself to go with the waves that pulls you through the currents, find your lighthouse and keep fighting by swimming yourself to shore. Life is scary, Yes! But, I promise you that you’ll get through it everyday… it will take awhile but every step is worth a try. 

;Dear Future-self #103

Dont lose hope on yourself, Dont lose yourself in the people who expects to want more from what you can give and to those who never understands you

Dear Me; 

Someday, people will see you rise and oneday you’ll find it within yourself to spread your wings again & soar. You’ll see to it that there’s more to life than boundaries and people telling you that you can’t chase after your own dreams. 

Know it within yourself that even if you’re not good enough at one thing, you’re better because its YOU. No one can destroy that power, that ambition, strength and most of all that hardwork you wish to push through in life. Sometimes, life has a lot of tougher edges and may seem easier than it looks but harder to do so. You will get better in the future and someday, someone will come up to you and say, ” I’m Proud of You! ” and when that day comes, you can finally shove it up to those haters and say, ” I did it ! ”

Win or Lose in our lives, we’ll always have downfalls. It doesnt matter how many times you fail at life, just keep trying. Keep pushing. Over and over again. There’s nothing wrong at failing. When people say negative things, tell you to be someone different and try to control you… IGNORE them and walk away, don’t even care because once its done, its done. 

Dont allow other people to run your life, own your life like its the last day for you to live… Oneday, you’ll come out stronger than yesterday ❤️ Set yourself free from those people who tries to pull you down, you’re better and stronger.. You just have to keep on fighting! 👊🏻

Xx- Niina 🌸