My Little World of Secrets

;I Love You… But, I let you go.

” There’s more to me than even meets the eye… Don’t judge when you haven’t even spoke to me yet…”

From the moments of our first kiss, the touch, the way you talk to me, and the way you allow me to be myself whenever you’re next to me. It has officially been 1 year; you light up my days and you gave me a reason to feel that I’m safe again.

Along the way, the craziest and wildest bumps and storms pushed as through to be who we are today. From greater to worse and I feel like for some reason, I survived the ” Cold War” in this relationship.

I had never given up. I’m still here. But, I wanted more to what was in-front of me; I needed you. I wanted you. I was selfish. It broke me apart and we drifted. A lot has changed and you made me forget the pain that I was carrying in my heart. I’m sorry that all of it was something I couldn’t live with anymore.

I just wish that someday, you see your worth and that it wouldn’t hurt so much anymore. I wish someday, you’ll learn to let the pain go even if its just for awhile… because THAT IS WHAT YOU DESERVE!

Pain is a part of life, the ones that teaches you sacrifice, a lesson, and a reflection of the past that allows us to realize that were alive. You’re going to be okay. I know you will be. Because today is the day, where I need to learn to be on my own, without you. Its not going to be easy but, every step counts.

I still love you but, I need to set my priorities straight… I am sorry.

Xx,

Niina ❤️

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;Train Station – Destination Unknown

Have you ever felt like the train hasn’t stopped going? Like a constant drift from one station to another…

Well, thats basically how I describe my life. An endless train ride where no destination has been met. Life for me has been a train ride, I never realized that I made it to so many destinations because I never paid attention to the stop signs.

I kept going to a point where I’ve lost the good moments of it.

Sometimes, I wonder if I could reverse the train to travel the other direction and make the impossible moments, Possible. However; reality doesn’t work like that because we all know a train only travels in one direction and so does life. There is no going back, unless we hop on another train.

What if there was only one train to this story? What if the train your on is the destination of your life? Would you keep going and reach that destination?

I’m that passenger on that train, wondering and thinking to where it would take her. Sometimes she fears that the bumps during the train ride would knock her down or would it make her realize that she doesn’t have to be afraid anymore because she’s stronger than that.

Sometimes, she needs to figure out and learn to control the train herself. Sometimes it feels like the train your on has been going forever and that you already missed your destination.

Many of us are on different trains, were never on the same one. Some of us, haven’t been on a train yet because their trains are either still being developed or under construction but that never means we have to stop and give up to hop on to that train.

Just like the greatest Titanic Ship, this train was the ride of dreams. Whoever, hopped on to it would have his or her dreams come true, but there was no guarantee that there wouldn’t be bumps ahead because to ride the GREATEST dream of your life; it comes with pain, fear, tears, laughters, and above all learning to not give up.

;Back to Writing Again

I’ve finally had the courage to write again; to finish a story that was my own. It was hard to tell my story in a way that I could also relate it to other people’s lives. You see, my life story on what I had been through is something no one else could share but myself. There were times where it was extremely hard to express the pain, recalling the moments and memories of each process.

Re-creating “13ReasonsWhy” in my version of Hannah Baker’s story was no different from my life story because the way she had dealt and experienced those moments were very relevant to what I went through. It’s really hard to cope with situations like these because you’re either going to face; PTSD, anxieties and traumatic fear to the outside world. I had to go through that and the worse part; I had to go through it alone.

I didn’t tell anyone, I was scared, and I really worked hard to push myself to not become someone I didn’t want to be. I struggled with severe depression for almost 8 years and I had thoughts of suicide. I am a survivor from a victim of rape. I am also, someone who had lost many people from suicide. It’s tough!

It’s tough because I did’t know where or how to begin with myself. I was scared.

Creating ” Truth Never Told” has been a goal to me because not only has it brought to open up what I had kept in the dark but it also made me become the voice of many who are in the dark too. I wanted to finally open up and be heard because I believe that is what we all deserve!

;Dear Future-Self #105

Dear Future Me,

Life is never easy. Sometimes the simplest and the hardest challenges are never the same because often, we get different outcomes. But, promise me you’ll hang in there ok?

Nothing ever comes easy; this is why life requires hardwork, effort, consistency & time management and above all, competence.

Hang on to that little rope, because someday that rope might just be the only way to save your life. Pause at the little things in life and take a deep breath, dont rush over things allowing yourself to trip over multiple times and end up hurting yourself.

You’re worth it. Don’t ever think you’re not because YOU DESERVE all the HAPPINESS the world has to offer for you.

Hang in there ok? You got this!

Dont let people knock you down. Dont allow people to tell you that, you wont make it this far in life because YOU CAN! YOU WILL! You’ll make it out here alive.

I can’t promise anything but I know… you just have to believe, trust and most importantly have confidence in yourself and the universe will provide that offer.

I know that at times, people may call you stupid, worthless, ungrateful, controlling, and a fool but don’t get carried away by words because they don’t know you’re battles. This is your war not anyone’s, therefore; finish it and keep going!

You’ll be okay… I know you will be.

You just need to find it within yourself.

Xoxo,

Niina ❤️

Battling with Depression

My life story was never easy, to begin with.

I was always told that nothing in life comes easy as 1,2,3… because most of the time, we’re busy searching for other things we want in life.

There are too many opportunities or careers to try on, but sometimes not many of us get the career we want.

Life doesn’t always come in a buffet meal and serve you at your table. Its meant to work hard for, persevere, determination and consistency. I learned that when fear comes along, you won’t succeed in life if you put fear in front of you. We must learn to have the confidence to believe in ourselves even if sometimes it gets difficult to try.

There are mountains we have to push and pull ourselves and in this journey, no one is really there for us anymore but ourselves. People say, ” You’re not alone” but reality says you are. We feel as if the void of existence in our hearts are opening a black hole and slowly I’m being sucked into it.

I think the worse part of my depression was failing the one dream I wanted to pursue. I know that it may seem like I haven’t failed just yet, but inside my heart; it’s telling me I have. I never realized that to this point, I would feel so empty and shattered because of that one thing that you’ve worked hard for and watch it go downhill. I never understood where I went wrong, or to why I still “failed”, and to why I ended up in this situation when I’ve tried EVERYTHING I could to save myself from falling.

I remember that day perfectly; April 23, 2018, I trembled in fear as I walked into her office and I saw a grim look on her face as she said, What do you plan to do? “  She looked at me as I sat slowly on the black leather chair. At first, I was confused by what she meant and before I could speak, she cut me off by saying  What do you want out of this? and Why are you doing this? ” But, before I could even respond to another sentence or another word, I was just speechless when she said, I’m sorry but there’s honestly nothing I can do but you failed. ”  I don’t know what hurt the most because she repeatedly said the word, ” FAILED” about 5 times. My mind spiraled into oblivion and my heart exploded into a void of a black hole. Then I thought to myself, ” This is the end of the world, Oh My God! ”  Then as she kept going, I felt my heart being hammered, stabbed, poked, and destroyed. ” I just don’t think you’re ready to be a Nurse or I just don’t think you’re prepared. So, I suggest you go take a break and figure out what you want. ” 

At that moment, I had a long pause at myself, the world, and everything around me. I felt like I sank to the bottommost pit of the ocean and I’ve finally drowned. My thoughts, my emotions, and pain just mixed into one pile of chaos.

Why does one little mistake end up as ONE GREATEST mistake you could ever get? I don’t understand why I had to suffer like this? Like, what did I do wrong? I studied. I did what I was told. I did everything right… only to have it wrong down the road.

WHAT DO I WANT? and WHY AM I DOING THIS? 

Well, let me answer that for you… Why am I doing this and what for?

I’m doing this because I believe that I could see the good in bad in people, I wanted to do this for my family, for my 2 best friends that I made a promise upon on her deathbed and for the people who looked up to me. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing this because I want to make a better version of me. Someone, mature enough to know what’s right and wrong. Someone who can take full responsibility for herself. Someone who can make her parents proud. I wanted to be someone who could prove herself that she’s worth it. I wanted to prove myself to my parents, I wanted to achieve something in life that would allow me to feel good about myself and to get pass Semester 1 was a way for me to forgive myself from everything that was holding me back from the past. It was also, a way for me to finally realize that maybe if I passed… I could have had the happiness that I deserve right now.

Goodluck Semester 2

xoxo,
-Niina

;Differences in this world

” Life bears with pain, but it allows us to learn and teach others with a lifelong scars that leave us feeling stronger…”

Who would ever thought that Nursing School would be a hell of a road? I thought, it gets easier & by easier, I meant; good grades, plenty of friends or perhaps more happiness because this is the Career you’ve dreamed of. Why does it feel different? That as I wake up each day and each morning, I don’t feel better about myself because all I feel are ‘doubts’ and ‘what ifs’.

I’m fighting over stress, grief, anxiety & above all; getting over a best friend who deserved to be here and not dead. Why do I spend so much time pleasing people & I end up with nothing? Truth be truth, as you get older; you’ll realize more fake friends than those real friends because at the end of the day, its rare to find those who stays. I miss mine. I miss you.

Life is hard. I have to accept the unbelievable & unexpected situations at times but that’s how it is. Sometimes, it feels like I’m standing over the edge, only waiting for a moment to jump or walk backwards and tell myself, ” Ok, I’m not ready…” Unfortunately, life only has one option in this situation and that’s to jump unprepared to what happens next.

shifting gears, shifting patience, shifting time and effort & beyond consistency; I learned that the 3 C’s that matter in a person’s life was Competent, Competency, & Care. I believe that life has a reason to why I’m still here… and it constitutes all the impossibilities in the world.

The anxiety will always be there; telling me to scream, cry, yell at the world but one thing is for sure… I WILL NOT GIVE UP without A FIGHT. I didn’t choose to stand up to life, only to give up. I chose to live every moment & chase dreams that often have limits. I know understand when people often say, ” you must be SMART about your goals in life…” Because what they simply mean is; being Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Relevant & Timely.

Honestly, there are so many things Nursing taught me; despite only being in Semester 1. It’s also true, that its not easy. Life is full of diverse challenges, competitions, & above all an effort of adapting to changes, new people & friends. Because out here, no one is really a friend but yourself.

I realized that in life, you can’t always depend on people; you have to learn how to stand up on your own two feet. I learned not to spoon-feed from others as they wont always be there for you all the way in the end. As for me, It has only been the beginning of the semester & life has already been a hell of an awakening journey.

To future nurses or students, I wish you the best of luck!

Xx❤️

– Niina

;Blessings

2018 started out as a year full of surprises for me; not only that I’ve found my biological mother & my sister, I’ve also made it to the Program I’ve been waiting for all my life. Every step, little by little, it’s happening. It’s here!

I’ve surpass all the trials, hardships, and difficult times where I always thought, ” I cannot do this, I’m a Failure.” But, looking back to where I am right now and from who I was before; I did it! However; my journey doesn’t end here because it has only begun. There are many more, trials I still have to face and I know that I can surpass each and one of them. Despite; being covered with scars from battles, Life has not only pushed me to aim higher but stronger.

I remember that last 2017, I made a wish for a miracle to happen to me in 2018 and funny enough to think; these miracles had been coming true like a chain link and with these droplets form, Blessings.

Thank You 🙏🏻! For guiding me, For allowing me to believe in You again ❤️!

Xoxo,

– Nina ❤️